Life and Lessons

 There have been certain thoughts circling around my head for the past few months, so bear with me as I try to put them down on paper. Also this is not another "I want a baby" post, although I really do want a baby. ha ha (laugh with me, it's supposed to be funny)

I have been ridiculously busy since October; hence the no posting of outfits, and none of it has been in the direction I have wanted to go. None of my busyness has gotten me closer to the plans I have made for myself career wise. But, that’s ok. I feel like over the past few months I have been stretched, molded, refined and (slightly) purified more than I have ever been in my entire life. I don’t really feel like I am in as much control of my life as The Lord is.

It has felt like every direction I have wanted to go, the road has been blocked, a life like sign saying, “Do not enter” or “Road closed”. Every time I have made a plan for myself it’s been stunted. Not stopped, just slowed WAYYYYYY down. I remember feeling forgotten and lost because I knew the Lord hears prayers, and knows the desires of my heart, so why can’t He just make life happen for me! I have come to understand that it will on His time frame and that He needs me for something else right now. He is in control and I need to be ok with that. (trust me that sentence is hard to say). And I wasn’t ok with that for a long time. I was hard headed and upset. I didn’t want to “learn” what He had to teach me. I just wanted what I wanted and that’s IT!

In October I received a blessing from my sweet husband that pretty much told me to keep enduring; it’s not over yet. And I hated it. I was so mad. I wanted to be blessed with healing or a direction to go or anything other than knowing that my trials were not done. (FYI and TMI: at this point I was 2 weeks late and thought for sure I was pregnant this time) As I knelt in my closet sobbing harder than I think I have ever in my life, there was another phrase that was brought back to my mind. Something that my husband blessed me with that I didn’t hear at first; “help others through their trials and be the person they can lean on”. There it was, my “direction” so to speak. I have tried my hardest these past few months to just be there for other people. If they needed a babysitter, yep I would do it. If they needed to talk, I would be there. If they needed me to help clean out their house, I actually failed on this one. (You know who you are and I am sorry I didn’t help. If you still need it, let me know!) But I have felt the Lord helping me heal as I have served others, in whatever small way they have asked.

I don’t believe He expect us to be perfect, just to try really hard to be the best person we can be. I have felt myself coming out of the pain, like it as been purged from my blood, as I have thought more of others and wanted to help them more than I have wanted to help myself.

I feel a greater sense of self, as I am becoming more of the person He wants me to be and less of the person I insist on becoming. I still will be sad when that little stick tells me “negative”, I will just pick myself up quicker and pray to be able to serve. I will still push on to accomplish my fashion goals and dreams, but I will do it more in His way and involve Him more in the direction I should take. 

I think every trial we go through has a lesson. It's just what we do in life when we learn those lessons. Will we accept them and learn and grow or will we say, "thats nice" and continue running like mad on our hamster wheel? 

And I just keep thinking of how ridiculously blessed I am. How happy my life really is and that stressing over things that I really have no control over are not worth stressing over. So learn your life lesson (I know I will be continuing to learn) and be so grateful for your life right now.

 photos by Joslyn