There have been certain thoughts circling around my head for the
past few months, so bear with me as I try to put them down on paper. Also this is not another "I want a baby" post, although I really do want a baby. ha ha (laugh with me, it's supposed to be funny)
I have been ridiculously busy since October; hence the no
posting of outfits, and none of it has been in the direction I have wanted to
go. None of my busyness has gotten me closer to the plans I have made for
myself career wise. But, that’s ok. I feel like over the past few months I have been
stretched, molded, refined and (slightly) purified more than I have ever been
in my entire life. I don’t really feel like I am in as much control of my life
as The Lord is.
It has felt like every direction I have wanted to go, the
road has been blocked, a life like sign saying, “Do not enter” or “Road closed”. Every time I have made a plan for myself it’s been stunted. Not stopped, just slowed WAYYYYYY down. I remember feeling forgotten and lost because
I knew the Lord hears prayers, and knows the desires of my heart, so why
can’t He just make life happen for me! I have come to understand that it will on His time frame and that He needs
me for something else right now. He is in control and I need to be ok with
that. (trust me that sentence is hard to say). And I wasn’t ok with that for a
long time. I was hard headed and upset. I didn’t want to “learn” what He had to
teach me. I just wanted what I wanted and that’s IT!
In October I received a blessing from my sweet husband that
pretty much told me to keep enduring; it’s not over yet. And I hated it. I was
so mad. I wanted to be blessed with healing or a direction to go or anything
other than knowing that my trials were not done. (FYI and TMI: at this point I was 2
weeks late and thought for sure I was pregnant this time) As I knelt in my
closet sobbing harder than I think I have ever in my life, there was another
phrase that was brought back to my mind. Something that my husband blessed me
with that I didn’t hear at first; “help others through their trials and be the
person they can lean on”. There it was, my “direction” so to speak. I have
tried my hardest these past few months to just be there for other people. If
they needed a babysitter, yep I would do it. If they needed to talk, I would be
there. If they needed me to help clean out their house, I actually failed on
this one. (You know who you are and I am sorry I didn’t help. If you still need
it, let me know!) But I have felt the Lord helping me heal as I have served
others, in whatever small way they have asked.
I don’t believe He expect us to be perfect, just to try
really hard to be the best person we can be. I have felt myself coming out of
the pain, like it as been purged from my blood, as I have thought more of
others and wanted to help them more than I have wanted to help myself.
I feel a greater sense of self, as I am becoming more of the
person He wants me to be and less of the person I insist on becoming. I still will be
sad when that little stick tells me “negative”, I will just pick myself up
quicker and pray to be able to serve. I will still push on to accomplish my fashion goals and dreams, but I will do it more in His way and involve Him more in the
direction I should take.
I think every trial we go through has a lesson. It's just what we do in life when we learn those lessons. Will we accept them and learn and grow or will we say, "thats nice" and continue running like mad on our hamster wheel?
And I just keep thinking of how ridiculously blessed I am. How happy my life really is and that stressing over things that I really have no control over are not worth stressing over. So learn your life lesson (I know I will be continuing to learn) and be so grateful for your life right now.
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